ERASE YOURSELF

Performed at AGGRESSIVE GESTURES part 2, at Werkhalle in Dortmund, July 2019

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_____________________________________LINK video documentation_________

ERASE YOURSELF_small

::::::::ERASE YOURSELF::::::

-3 minutes

COME IN, WALKING STRAIGHT AND AGGRESSIVE; SMILING BIG WITH DRUMSTICKS IN HANDS, BANGING THEM HARD AGAINST EACH OTHER AND BANGING THE CHAIRS, THINGS ON THE WAY

-1min 30 seconds
lay down

(DRUM ON TEVEVISION for 1,5 minutes)
drop the drumsticks or keep them, bang for acceleration on different parts, …

-0
STOP

I never told anybody about this

I will describe a situation, something I experienced
this spring
in public space

Stockholm May 2019

then it happens again
that, what I thought
shouldn’t happen

I love silence
but this silence is so very violent
held back, sucked in, refusing human communication
like small, subtle, humiliations
cramped

the type of passive communication
that is boosting paranoia
and can make me dangerous

(drum, drum, drum, drum!)

it’s freezing outside
I have a bit of a cold

wrapped in a shawl around my head
I am standing, alone
waiting for the tram

two young girls approaches me asking for a cigarette
I have tobacco, I roll my cigarettes myself
I give the girls paper, tobacco and filter
they can roll it themselves

at the same time
the tram has come in to the station
where I am standing, together with the girls
the girls says thanks, and sits down on a bench

the doors of the tram open
it is full of people in there
straight in stands three, blond, well dressed women
with one baby stroller each

(drum, drum, drum, drum, drum druuuum!!!)

it’s quite crowded and narrow,
everywhere

on the left side by one of the doors
where I just stepped in
stands one of the baby strollers

I walk up in the aisle
and put myself in front of the stroller
by the handle of it

there is a lot of people
but it’s not over-crowded

this is one of the spots where I can stand

now I am standing straight in front of the three mothers

they inspect me from the bottom to the top
I smile at them
they do not smile at me
(they look and whisper, they don’t smile)
(drum, drum, drum, drum!)

there is a baby in the stroller
it’s looking at me with big round eyes
up
and smiles at me
I smile, big, too
and I flirt with it

the mothers now look at me even more,
with an angry look
whisper and glance at me

(they look and whisper, they don’t smile)
(drum, drum, drum, drum!)

I immediately start wiping myself around my mouth
around my eyes
I become nervous and insecure
I am sweating

(they look and whisper, they don’t smile)
(drum, drum, drum, drum!)

did my make-up run down so I look strange?
do I look crazy?
is there hanging bunches of tobacco out of my nose?
do they think that I am on drugs?
do they think I will kidnap a baby?

(they look and whisper, they don’t smile)
(drum, drum, drum, drum!)

I try mirroring myself in the tram window
but I can’t see anything unusual

again the baby smiles at me
it’s communicating with me
I let go of the paranoia and smile back at it
forget and become calm

(they look and whisper, they don’t smile)
(drum, drum, drum, drum!)

right there, the mother of the child makes a quick move
gets in between me and the baby stroller,
coaxing (lirkar in sig) her arm in
and pushes me aside with her elbow

without seeking any eye contact
just with an irritated glance

(they look and whisper, they don’t smile)
(drum, drum, drum, drum!)

then looking back at her companions
who is confirming something is wrong here

quickly I am sweating
more and more
cold sweat

I look around in the tram
did somebody notice all this?

(they look and whisper, they don’t smile)
(drum, drum, drum, drum!)

I have no idea
it seems as if a couple of passengers
are looking strangely at me

(they look and whisper, they don’t smile)
(drum, drum, drum, drum!)

I didn’t do anything
everyone is just looking at me

the mothers continue rolling their eyes
leering with their eyes at me
and whisper

(they look and whisper, they don’t smile)
(drum, drum, drum, drum!)

again
they do not speak out clear

I do not open my mouth
I move aside
I feel ashamed
I am getting angry
but I hide it

I move aside
I walk around them
I leave the tram at the next station

I am more shocked after
I am desperate and write a text message to my sister
but doesn’t find the words
I delete the words
I walk

(DRUM DRUM DRUM like steps)

generations of curiosity-death
deep down in the shoes of these mothers?
deep inside their small brain it’s boiling
dirty
helpless thoughts

what would help?
only riots
I want to see riots in the tram

I feel ashamed of myself for not answering them
for not completely freaking out
questioning their very existence
in front of their children
why didn’t I spit?
right there infront of their shoes
why be polite?

is it sadness one should communicate there, in the moment?
because it is deep, damn sadness that I notice
that I feel, when I think about it
that’s all

the sky is the most beautiful blue-turquise now
just an hour later
everything seems so small
a macro detail
oversensitivity

but
why cannot public space be sensitive?

what are you doing here?
why are you here?
do you know anybody here?
how did you get in here?

I LAUGH OUT LOUD

Stockholm May 2019

(CURSE DANCE x 2 times loop) – drumsticks in hands???
get up
on your knees, curse the sky
curse the sky
curse the sky
curse the sky

curse the ground
curse the ground
curse the sky
curse the ground
curse the ground

curse the sky
curse the sky
curse the sky

up on your legs 
hard steps, jumps, disobedience – curse!

you provoke me!
huh!

huh!

ha, hu heh, heh!

OVER, cut

(TAKE MIKE STAND, STANDING, CLOSER TO AUDIENCE)
stand by the mike,
look straight out into the void,
above the audience,
then into the audience,
up again far away to the south side of dortmund,
again on the audience…

a zero body

surface

big world

big smile
big world, far away
this is all a surface
the point is far away
surface

big world

small body

small body
in a world

big world surrounding
small body

all this is surface
erased

big smile
screen smile
projected on the back wall

(sucked a little diagonally backwards,
big smile,
erased

push out smile,
from the whole face
smile projected on wall
far away

big big smile
on wall
screen smile)

(RETURN towards mic)

I’m laughing myself to death
my empathy doesn’t change a thing

when we only have our memories and plans left
calm down
I’m laughing myself to death

living in a new country,
sometimes
I start hating your language

I’m happy as long as everything feels temporary,
then I think I’m free,
free to come and go
I’m laughing myself to death, that is exactly what was
meant

perhaps we should just do the opposite

not go, not agree on it
it’s about something else

(pose, tense muscles, macho,
pose, screen smile,
as if making selfie
new pose

DRUM DRUM DRUM

CUT!)
come back to mike

it’s as if there is no now
the story goes back too far
and there is no bottom to it
there is no beginning
dirt / mud !
you asked for examples too many times
the more happy and content you are
the more pissed I will be
the more discontent you
the more aggressive me

CUT cut face cut all…….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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